quote them.

las caricias soñadas son las mejores.

el valiente ha sido valiente y ya está,
hasta que el cobarde ha querido.

nostalgia es un sentimiento muy fértil.

cuéntame. cuéntame algo. si no me lo cuentas, me lo invento.

my man.

barcelona.
view over the balcony.
complete shakespearean moment.
not a shakespearean beginning though.
my man's a man.
plenty of attraction.
clubs and a white night.

a year later.
sevilla.
my man's still a man.
and i'm a bigger girl.
both free spirits.
we didn't want ties.
little did we know.
courtship and dates.
fun dates.
great dates.
my man's attentive.
he took me places.
he showed me things.
still no ties.
until one day.
when "our thing" got obvious.
and we chose ties.

both tough characters.
very big egos.
fire lights up fire.
pleasure and fun.
passion and discussions.
many discussions.
but always fun.
we crossed a few borders.
we crossed the atlantic.
holding hands and screaming at each other.
but always fun.

attraction to liking.
liking to loving.
my man gave me all.
and i love him.

he made me feel safe.
he made me feel at home.
he taught me things.
not few at all.
we walked.
we drove.
we flew.
we swam.
and there's more to go.
my man is a good one.
my man's a man.

flashback.

-what does "travieso" mean?
-"travieso"? mmh, it means.. like naughty. childishly naughty.
-aaah.. that explains everything.

i like acoustic music.
and autodictation.
and surrealism.
and i drink a lot of water.
and i smoke whatever u give me.
and i often shut up not to embarass myself.
and i often shit up and embarass myself.
but i like a foot in my mouth.
and i like alanis.
and i like walking around naked.
just like alanis.
and 90% of the world's population.
and i like percentages.
but i don't like economy.
or time magazine.
it depresses me.
i'm frivolous but i'm smart.
i like clothes.
and i'll do business with my mother one day.
i like my mother.
she's completely insane but then so am i.
i hate being bored.
so i make my own entertainment.



see what i mean?

crave.

dancing to jimi hendrix.
shivering with the strings.
cutting with the pike.
turning with the notes.
fingers dancing accords.

the light orange and dark.
the smoke heavy and thick.
the curves slow.
the feet bare.
the hands in the air.

and i want my moves in your eyes.
and i want my sound in your ears.
and i want my air between your fingers.
and i want my name on your lips.
and i want my scent in your way.
and i want my back on your mind.

cause i'm dancing to jimi hendrix.
and the light is orange and dark.
the smoke is heavy and thick.
and i need to leave a mark.

púrpura.

noches de bohemia.
cielo morado.
luna dorada.
luz de un cigarro.
humo que vuela.
ritmo de palmas.
voz del alma.

red de la madrugada.
brisa de sed.
reza al sol.
luz que quema.
palmeras que brillan.
flores en el cielo.

aire de canciones.
reino de olores.
tierra de colores.

not-in-vogue.

the supposedly americanized fat and jaunty glorifying devilishly divine bounty mcflurries.

shipwrecked and sublime.

haruki murakami.

jaunty.

somewhere inbetween glorifying pulp fiction and orgasmic guitar solos she realized she was taken the solid ground she was walking on.
she sent it all to hell and flew to venus where the sun always shines and people never get fat.

bridges.

she told me i never burned the bridges behind me.
i never saw the need.
but when u find urself on an island with just bridges connecting u to the world...
u wish u burned them before.

us.

once we start, we never stop.
once we walk, we run.
once we see, we watch.
once we yell, we scream.
once we taste, we crave.
once we sense, we smell.
once we touch, we grab.
we get hooked.
we're all vice.
we're insatiable.
we're unsoothable.
we're unstoppable.

i'm so glad to be us.

confusion.

a reality inside a reality inside my reality.
my reality, your reality.
not one reality.
what does objective mean anyway.
we think it's red and it's really anything but red.
it's all a question of language.
my day is my mood that day.
what is your day?
what is day anyway.
multiply it by infinity.
what is the limit of your inequation?
inequation, inequality?
function, form?
irrational, crazy?
crazy numbers?
sad numbers.
happy numbers.
infinity, eternity?
language barriers, thinking barriers?

will someone explain it to me?

shout it.

any other form seems inadecuate.
so much to say.
but i'm not that eloquent.

avalanche.

it's coming, it's coming.
my stomach is tingling.
my hands are trembling.
my head is whispering.
it's coming, it's coming.
what do i do?
my inside is shaking.
my chest is bursting.
my mind is breaking.
it's coming, it's coming.
what do i do?

dump it.

from now on, let's have it clear.
let's have it clean.
what do u think, dear?
i want a blank page.
i want an innocent mind.
let's spill it all.
would u mind?
we'll make our lists.
let the filth come out.
let the evil go.
u know what i'm talking about.
i want the smears gone.
i want to steam them away.
honesty is steamy hot.
i want it to burn us today.

a little verse instead of a curse.

oh baby baby, u hurt me so
i'll kick u in the balls
u won't be a man no mo'.

the sevillian shelf.

homeopathic medicine that hanni left me.
the "isms - understanding art" book that i bought in tate modern.
the book he gave me. i never read it because: a)i think it's shit b)i think he's shit.
márquez's "el amor en los tiempos del cólera" that i bought when the movie came out, inspired by the soundtrack. it's in spanish. i never achieved reading it.
cervantes' plays as a present from a friend before i left to spain.
"short history of the world" that i read in rhodes trying to fill the history holes in my head.
several maps of sevilla and one of madrid.
bulgakov's "master and margarita", sent to me by mail from belgrade to sevilla. i didn't want to miss out on the compulsory high school literature.
same story for "hamlet" and "faust".
still haven't read any of them.
2 books of amazing short stories.
mendoza and cela in serbian.
murakami's "norweigan wood" that my dad got for birthday and i sneaked to sevilla on the way back from winter holidays. absolutely loved it.
a guide-book to "sevilla & andalucía". it's there to remind me of how little here i've seen.
a guide-book to writing essays. who knows why.
"the scarlet letter" given to me by the english teacher who is apparently a lover of cheesy 19th century anglo-saxon novels. he is also freaky, funny, shy, easily-scared and has an awful accent.
"fahrenheit 451" that hanni left me, with the nicest words written on the first page.
pamuk's "new life" that i didn't finish for how melancholic it was, and for how melancholic i was.
millas' "el mundo" that i got for christmas.
"wise sayings". funny tiny book. it's too smart.
2 spanish-english dictionaries.
toltz's "a fraction of the whole" that has thrilled me and scarily reminded me of myself.
baroja's "el árbol de la ciencia". reading it now. liking it, i think.
several editions of vogue.
me and my friends framed.
a big green candle.
a big pink flower for the hair.
leche condensada and bags of white and dark sugar.
chanel chance from barcelona.
coco mademoiselle from singapore.
flowerbomb from rome.
jewelry.
immigration papers.
a little box that stayed after the girl from ukraine.

part 1.

the sound of the blowdryer was lethal. the girl was brushing my hair endlessly and killing my hearing with that bloody machine. my head was already buzzing in bed that morning, and now its state was deteriorating rapidly. i couldn't keep my eyes open and i could barely speak, and the girl was asking me about where i had gone the night before, how it was, etc. we never liked each other, but she still took care of my hair and i still brought her chocolate. when she finished, i looked at my freshly highlighted hair and thought how much nicer it would have felt if only i could see it clearly. i thanked her politely even though i didn't mean it and left the salon. the freezing january air hit me as i stepped out on the street. i realised what a mess my stomache is. i stopped to buy water at a kiosk, and noticed that the elderly salesman was looking at me curiously, first my face, then the marlboro lights shaking in my hand and finally the bottle of water i was buying. i supposed what he was thinking and just packed up my wallet and left.
i hate hangovers. i never used to have them before that day, nor did i again after that. i felt toxic, dehydrated, tired and sick. the bottle of absolut finished me off the night before.
i felt sort of chic rumbling towards home, shivering and with sunglasses on that cloudy day. i reminded myself of heroin chic, rock gigs and rehab clinics. i thought of grunge, black-and-white vogue spreads and viceroy and wayfarers. then i wondered what kind of a society that is where hungover, pale and skinny 18-yearolds clutching their designer shades are considered chic.
the 90s really twisted us.

teach me.

academia's gift to those who love nothing better than spending a saturday morning people-watching in the local café.

red.

"protect me from what i want" she whispers madly while her eyes are burning in frenzy. she tightens the flower in her hair and pulls her skirt, sharply runs to the stage leaving the echo of her black shoes behind the curtains.
as the guitar cuts she erupts on the stage.

take notes so u don't forget.

we blinked and we were there.
mexican receptionist.
who told me i was colombian.
super advanced magnetic watch keys.
i'm andalusian so i'll put oil on my jamón.
old apartment.
old look.
book stock.
an insane looking man shouted and showed his tongue.
he left his phone number on a bag of sugar.
chocolate and bananas go well together.
especially in madrid.
the italian restaurant where we ate cheese.
the bar where we looked for aspirin.
a migrene attack.
supersonic.
pete doherty is innocent.
tattooed made-up dj with good taste in music.
my friend is a voyeur.
the french with the hat.
the french from brasil.
the norweigan with long hair.
sweden owns norway anyway.
the londoners.
the gay couple.
an orgy invitation.
random walking.
the aging hair losing argentinian.
2 jamaicans saying spain is a third world country.
switch hostels.
spanish are always on time.
and i'm socrates.
group travel slows u down.
walk to death.
freeze to death.
impressed to death.
toledo is medieval.
and so are our guy's organisation skills.
bar hopping.
alcoholising.
lily allen in male form.
que paza?
swell to the pont of exploding.
top it off with the bucket.
no one likes buses.
especially those where ur legs don't fit.
feel like toxic waste.
but at least toxic waste that has seen much.

etse niño es tonto o qué le pasa.

que pesao eres por dios.

pero vamo.

weakers.

quick to pity.
slow to act.

quick to frown.
slow to laugh.

love to bark.
understand less.

slow to learn.
quick to guess.

always sure.
rarely doubt.

easy to quit.
slow to work it out.

less blurt more hurt with a little flirt.

what do u do when u degrade?
what comes next?
what happens then?
u wonder if u will get strong again?
again with the best.
again with the light.
more sun again?
a lot more delight?

artists are suicidal.
it's a known fact.
call me an artist.
i'll thank u for that.

when u rhyme.
no matter how silly.
it feels sublime.
it's pure playing.
or it becomes that.
artists are just bored.
it's a known fact.

feed me.

feed me thoughts.
feed me ideas.
feed me art.
feed me music.
feed me words.
feed me images.
feed me visions.
feed me emotions.
feed me illusions.
feed me sensations.
feed me impressions.
feed me knowledge.
feed me energy.
feed me love.
feed me strength.
feed me beauty.
just fill me.
give me.
give me a lot.
give me more.
i'll give it to you too.
i promise.

remark.

music is my biggest love.
and math.
i'm actually plato.
it's just that i'm not a man.
and greek.
and dead.
and i fall in love with men.
and not with my opinions.

wisdom.

frivolity cures a sore brain.

quote us.

we are so lesbian. if she walks in on us she'll kill us with a big jesus.

i wonder if he's laying in bed and staring at the ceiling with an 11 year old girl by his side.

if we're not gonna have sex i'm not talking to u.

she likes chicken. and she's a big fat turkey.

child fucker.

gay lord.

word.

"ididn'tthinkshewouldactuallyEXPLODE."

oh my fucking god strap me to a bed and make me scream my brains out rather that this.
bloody hell.
jesus.
is everyone completely insane?
mute?
brain-dead?
it's to die for.
i feel like shouting uncontrollably and banging and jumping and slapping and kicking and scratching how calm everything is.
and making animalistic sounds that come from the deepest of ur guts.
i'm laughing to myself.
sitting on a fucking chair and laughing alone.
and i'm not alone in the room.
and they act as if nothing is going on.
let me clear it up i'm sitting no one is talking and i'm laughing my arse off looking at the wall and everyone is SILENT.
have they put me inside a video game or something?
a cartoon?
a different dimension where people don't have senses?
is this like a test "let's see who lasts longer being sane!" ?
oh my god!
will they react if i whoop their asses, if i beat them to half-death?
will they react THEN?

OH MY GOD.

TRIPLE OH MY GOD.

are they able to not speak for an HOUR?
go to bed and not say anything?
WHERE AM I?

i'll tell u where i am.

a place where a woman washes the floor at 8 in the morning.
even though there will be a cleaning lady coming at 10.

a place where a girl has a page-size picture of the VIRGIN MARY on her notebook.

get the picture?

oh my god.


maybe that's why i keep calling out to all these divine forces in disbelief of my surroundings.

it's the influence.

make me.

if i go insane will u put me in a mental institution?
if i go coockoo.
if i go bamboozle.
if i go out of my mind.
if i go crazy.
will u take me to the funny farm?

or give me opium.
give me flowers.

to numb me.
to snooze me.
to calm me.
not to lose me.

vortex.
vertigo.
nausea.
where to go.
stumble.
bump.
rumble.
jump.
fall.
and up.
slip.
stand up.

wish me.

my ship is dangerously approaching the bermuda triangle.
it's not because i'm so far away from the harbour.
it's because i've lost the compass.
and all maps are half ripped and smeared with rain.
and rain of other sort.

so i worry too much.
i was familiar with that.
so i think too much.
i was familiar with that.
i'm too indecisive.
i was familiar with that.
i start and and quit too much.
i was familiar with that.

what i was not familiar with is that i was repetitive.
i'm one repititive captain.
like a record.

does that mean i'm music?

i would like that.
i would like to be music.
i would like to enter people's minds.
provoke an emotion.
and then go away but leave a part of me.
i would like that.
i would like others to make me.
to invent me.
to better me.
to perfect me.
to listen to me.
to like me.
to love me.
to be inspired by me.
to learn me by heart.
to come back to me time an again.
to remember me.
to pass me on.

but i would be the work of someone else's hands.
of someone else's idea.
i would like that.

i would like to be a matter flowing through the air.
through the people.
through the world.
i would like to be everywhere.
i would like to be everyone.
i would like to have nothing and therefor have it all.
i would like to be a fraction of the whole.
i would like to be an impression.
i would like to be a glimpse.
i would like to be a spark.
i would like to be breath.
i would like to shine with it all in the dark.

their shade.

the sky is purple here.
and people clap their hands.
they eat a lot of potatoes.
i saw a man leading his daughter by the hand.
and smoking a joint.
at the same time.
they think palm trees make u warm.
they move a lot when they speak.
the sacred mother.
the sacred son.
church on sunday.
sunday lunch.
catholic school.
opus dei books.
sometimes they freak me out.
but mostly i like them.
their sky is purple.

blurt.

stress because of my current routine rhythm and constant lack of sleep and a sort of an academic pressure and lack of love and care from people close to me cause now they are not physically close to me and dreaming of you a couple of nights in a row so that i wake up and for a few first hours of each new day i can't get back to reality cause my dreams are so intense.

prijateljski savet.

alo bre prijateljice sta ces ti sa sobom.
gde znam, nemoj me, skroz sam se pogubila.
pa sto covece zar nisi toliko razmisljala o tome.
jesam al ne znam bre sve prevrcem po glavi sto puta.
pa prekini da prevrces jebote i smisli nesto.
ma kad bi to bilo lako al dobro sta tebe briga ti si odlucila.
ma ja odlucila al to zato sto nisam toliko prevrtala.
pa znam ali ako ne prevrcem mozda odaberem nesto pogresno.
nema pogresno prijateljice ili izaberes ili ne izaberes.
a sta ako ne izaberem.
onda radis u kaficu i nemas para.
a sta ako imam vremena koje ne bih imala da izaberem.
i sta ces s tim vremenom.
da citam, da se obrazujem..
...
daj odluci nesto zivota ti i ne seri vise.

something.

it's like digesting after eating.
it's like a cigarette after coffee.
it's like resting after running.
it's like silence after sex.
it's like a sigh after studying.
it's like beat in ur ears after good music.
it's like images in ur eyes after a good movie.
it's like a person's features in ur mind after meeting them.
it's like silence after a good conversation.
it's like satisfation after making something.
it's like a look in the eye after a kiss.
it's like a look at the sun after waking up.
it's like sore cheeks after laughing too hard.
it's like when u read the last page of a book.
it's like when u step out of a plane.
it's like breath on ur neck.
it's like touch of the essence.
it's like happiness.
it's like love.
it's like energy.
it's like logics.
it's like science.
it's like apeiron.
it's like logos.
it's like god.
it's like spirit.
call it however u want.
it's there.

economice su vida íntima.

determine el punto muerto o umbral de rentabilidad para la empresa MENTE S.A. de la que se conoce que para un volumen de sentir de 10.000 unidades de felicidad los costes variables totales son de 21.000 unidades de pensamiento real (expresado en minutos de estrés) y los costes fijos son de 27.000 unidades de pensamiento irracional (expresado en minutos de pérdida dulce). el precio de sentir cada unidad de felicidad es de 10 unidades de tortura mental.
explique el significado sentimental del resultado obtenido.
calcule el beneficio o pérdida de la empresa.

an ode.

to all the men.
posessive.
obsessive.
jealous.
agressive.
don't tie me down.
don't press me.
it makes me frown.
it makes me nauseous.
it makes me puke.
it makes me run.
leave me be.
i'll loosen my guard.
i'll love you for free.
just don't hold me down.

être sur le point de.

this wind is blowing my mind out.
and i'm still hot.
i've done nothing today.
and there's still a lot.
everything's sticky and wet.
and i'm dry inside.
everything's so scary.
and i'm terrified.

human mess.

make an order out of a mess.
beat the nature.
cut our hair, shave, put clothes on.
have emotional outbursts.
reobtain balance with tears.
educate ourselves emotionally.
be human or divine.
divine is human.
what are gods if not makings of human imagination.
moral, big goals, principles, empathy.
passions, lust, love, emotional storms.
all human.
art, philosophy, laws, ethics.
crime, wars, agression, evil.
all human.
sustain the balance between good and bad.
throughout our lives.
be grand and be small.
fight ourselves throughout our lives.
work hard on ourselves throughout our lives.
love ourselves throughout our lives.
beat the nature and live with the nature.
live a paradox.
and love it.

pairs.

love and hunger.
lust and fun.
drugs and gods.
boys and girls.
narcissists and obsessives.
plants and earth.
vain and humble.
continental and mediterranean.
occidental and oriental.
fannies and cushions.
fingers and buttons.
touch and skin.
lips and breath.
passions and devastations.
goodbyes and deaths.
mornings and new lives.
bodies and souls.
roads and bare feet.
music and ears.
horizons and suns.
planets and orbits.

him and me.

play.

in desperate expectation.
looking at oh so familiar things.
waiting for something to happen.
waiting for a bomb to break the roof.
waiting for an earthquake to ruin the floor.
waiting for a wave to smash the windows.
waiting for a wind to blow the walls away.
pressing my feet hard in the carpet.
scratching my lips hard with my teeth.
hitting the table hard with my fingers.
in great expectation.
in great need.
my fingers start playing with the keyboard.
this is what usually comes out.
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendID=115757875

i want to play some more.