what happened

does every year cement another layer of fear
over a vigor that once thought itself wild ?
an inside that once thought itself free
to feel everything, to live anything, to be
to be whatever it wanted, loved, hurt, free


to feel everything there is to feel
to play all the roles under the sun
to tackle giants, blood, bones and all
and beg of life to keep it coming on


does every year cement another layer of fear ?
does every futile attempt deaden a little more ?
does every disappointment lock another door
and cast the foundations for a private wall ?


does every lover lay another brick
to help that wall grow higher and stronger ?
to help build the barricade thick
so every invasion feels number and takes longer ?


what happened to giants, blood, bones and all
what happened to battles, sticks and stones
charging at life with bare hands of force
and grappling love with a bare chest of joy


what happened to the absence of remorse 
to bare feet storming through mud and snow
to vigor, feeling life in all its force
no fear, no bricks, no barriers, no walls

alienation ?

"...we always live in an interspace and in borrowed time; every solution is provisional and temporary, a kind of postponing of a fundamental impossibility."

Slavoj Žižek, The Sublime Object of Ideology

5

"Na kraju ručka je osetio da ga obuzima lenost. Iz nekakvog naučnog sujeverja nikad nije radio, ni čitao, niti se kupao, ni vodio ljubav pre nego što bi prošla dva sata od obeda, i ta navika se tako ukorenila da je mnogo puta odlagao ratne operacije da ne bi ljude posle ručka izložio opasnosti od izliva krvi. Stoga je prilegao u ljuljašku, ... i za nekoliko minuta je zaspao. Sanjao je da ulazi u neku praznu kuću belih zidova, i obuzela ga tuga što je bio prvo ljudsko biće koje stupa u nju. U snu se podsetio da je to isto sanjao prethodne noći i mnogih noći poslednjih godina, i znao je da će se slika izbrisati iz njegovog pamćenja pre buđenja, pošto je taj san koji se ponavljao imao tu osobinu da ga se mogao setiti samo u tom istom snu. Trenutak kasnije, u stvari, kad je berberin zakucao na vrata radionice, pukovnik Aurelijano Buendija se probudio sa utiskom da je mimo volje spavao nekoliko sekundi i da nije imao vremena ništa da sanja."

Gabriel García Márquez, Sto godina samoće

4

"Romance lives by repetition, and repetition converts an appetite into an art. Besides, each time one loves is the only time one has ever loved. Difference of object does not alter singleness of passion. It merely intensifies it. We can have in life but one great experience at best, and the secret of life is to reproduce that experience as often as possible."

Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

3

the biggest mistake one can make

is to take the things of logic

for the logic of things.

1

"If you prefer not to exaggerate,

you must remain silent,

you must paralyse your intellect,

and find some way of becoming an idiot."

Ortega y Gasset, The Revolt of the Masses

2

“...Truth isn’t outside power, or lacking in power... truth isn’t the reward of free spirits, the child of protracted solitude, nor the privilege of those who have succeeded in liberating themselves. Truth is a thing of this world: it is produced only by virtue of multiple forms of constraint. And it induces regular effects of power.”

Michel Foucault, 1984

getting older.

first stoicism, then skepticism, and finally christianity.

citat.

"Ja sam celokupni zbir svega što mi je prethodilo, svega onoga što sam bio video učinio, svega što su mi učinili. Ja sam sve ono što je na mene u životu uticalo, sve na šta sam uticao. Ja sam sve ono što će biti kad mene više ne bude, a čega ne bi bilo da mene nije bilo."

Salman Rušdi, "Deca ponoći"

now.

this place feels less and less like home.

my home as i remember it is gone.

this room feels nothing like my own.

a dusty museum of my childhood

where the big golden mirror takes centre stage.

in some other age it reflected another me.

this place reeks of the past, of some other moments in time

when we were all someone else.

the weeds creeping up the walls of this home have grown.

they have burst the roof and made this into a different place.

some new sunshine has entered the stage.

a sunshine different from the one before.

amidst old photographs and dusty toys

amidst stale memories of lives gone

this me reflected in the golden mirror now

feels compelled to find a home of my own.

remark 2.

sex and the city 2 - orientalism much?

december 16th, 1901.

"she seemed compelled to interact with others and found little interest in animals or nature except in their relationship to human activities. when a new zealand host arranged for her small plane to land briefly to see a famous glacier, she was puzzled. "glacier!" she said, "why should i want to get out of a plane just to look at a glacier? who'll be there to talk to?"'



"if one cannot state a matter clearly enough so that even an intelligent twelve-year-old can understand it, one should remain within the cloistered walls of the university and laboratory until one gets a better grasp of one's subject matter."

Marx.

Freud.

De Saussure.

Foucault.

Feminism.

dreamy.

wonder wonder.
wonder and ponder.
ponder and wander.
wish for a wonder.

imagine imagine.
imagine a wonder.
not to ponder.
to live and wander.

live and live.
live a wonder.
roam and wander.
a life of wonder.

quote her.

"my zen teacher told me that the only way to reach happinness is to enjoy the moment and not worry about the future. of course, he died penniless and single."

one of those.

"quand tu pars c'est l'enfer et c'est flammes."

breathe.

you never know what might blow
what might explode
so take it slow
not to implode
not to dissolve
breathe
take it slow
it can all explode
you never know
you really never know

as much as it hurts to say
things have their own way
people come, then go away
but don't you stray
you must stay
your mind and body
they mustn't decay
don't stray
just stay
it's for you anyway
stay
it's the only way

even though
it burns and boils
the bad news sting
like burning oils
on your back and it boils
and you can't breathe
and the steam
comes up from beneath
your feet and they burn
like charcoal in your chest
and you just crave
some rest
for your soul
for your body and mind
but the burning news
are not at all kind
to you

well breathe
take it slow
it can all explode
who cares
it can all burn and blow
who cares!
we already know
that things have their own ways
that people come and go in a haze
we know it anyways
it's for us not to stray
to stay on our way
not to decay
we rinse the burning oils
and breathe
breathe
you never know
so breathe
and take it slow.

sneer.

a bucket of cold water emptied down my back.
a flaming torch stuck in my chest.
it's insane what one image can do.
jealousy heart attacks are one of life's best.

thriller.

frozen then melted then frozen again.
up and then down and then up again.
dark and then light and then blurry again.
stumbling around streets, bikes, cars and trains.
short trains and long plains.
long walks and infinite talks.
infinite gaze and occasional pains.
pains in trains, pains in planes.
joy in a dark and blurry maze.
round and round in a maze dark then light again.
light and up then down and frozen again.
down in a well, dwell.
dwell in a well, back to the maze.
infinite gaze seeks through the maze.
running in haze can stun and daze.
play brings us heavy gains.
don't we love our little games.

quote them.

las caricias soñadas son las mejores.

el valiente ha sido valiente y ya está,
hasta que el cobarde ha querido.

nostalgia es un sentimiento muy fértil.

cuéntame. cuéntame algo. si no me lo cuentas, me lo invento.

flashback.

-what does "travieso" mean?
-"travieso"? mmh, it means.. like naughty. childishly naughty.
-aaah.. that explains everything.

i like acoustic music.
and autodictation.
and surrealism.
and i drink a lot of water.
and i smoke whatever u give me.
and i often shut up not to embarass myself.
and i often shit up and embarass myself.
but i like a foot in my mouth.
and i like alanis.
and i like walking around naked.
just like alanis.
and 90% of the world's population.
and i like percentages.
but i don't like economy.
or time magazine.
it depresses me.
i'm frivolous but i'm smart.
i like clothes.
and i'll do business with my mother one day.
i like my mother.
she's completely insane but then so am i.
i hate being bored.
so i make my own entertainment.



see what i mean?

púrpura.

noches de bohemia.
cielo morado.
luna dorada.
luz de un cigarro.
humo que vuela.
ritmo de palmas.
voz del alma.

red de la madrugada.
brisa de sed.
reza al sol.
luz que quema.
palmeras que brillan.
flores en el cielo.

aire de canciones.
reino de olores.
tierra de colores.

not-in-vogue.

the supposedly americanized fat and jaunty glorifying devilishly divine bounty mcflurries.

shipwrecked and sublime.

haruki murakami.

jaunty.

somewhere inbetween glorifying pulp fiction and orgasmic guitar solos she realized she was taken the solid ground she was walking on.
she sent it all to hell and flew to venus where the sun always shines and people never get fat.

bridges.

she told me i never burned the bridges behind me.
i never saw the need.
but when u find urself on an island with just bridges connecting u to the world...
u wish u burned them before.

confusion.

a reality inside a reality inside my reality.
my reality, your reality.
not one reality.
what does objective mean anyway.
we think it's red and it's really anything but red.
it's all a question of language.
my day is my mood that day.
what is your day?
what is day anyway.
multiply it by infinity.
what is the limit of your inequation?
inequation, inequality?
function, form?
irrational, crazy?
crazy numbers?
sad numbers.
happy numbers.
infinity, eternity?
language barriers, thinking barriers?

will someone explain it to me?

shout it.

any other form seems inadecuate.
so much to say.
but i'm not that eloquent.

avalanche.

it's coming, it's coming.
my stomach is tingling.
my hands are trembling.
my head is whispering.
it's coming, it's coming.
what do i do?
my inside is shaking.
my chest is bursting.
my mind is breaking.
it's coming, it's coming.
what do i do?

the sevillian shelf.

homeopathic medicine that hanni left me.
the "isms - understanding art" book that i bought in tate modern.
the book he gave me. i never read it because: a)i think it's shit b)i think he's shit.
márquez's "el amor en los tiempos del cólera" that i bought when the movie came out, inspired by the soundtrack. it's in spanish. i never achieved reading it.
cervantes' plays as a present from a friend before i left to spain.
"short history of the world" that i read in rhodes trying to fill the history holes in my head.
several maps of sevilla and one of madrid.
bulgakov's "master and margarita", sent to me by mail from belgrade to sevilla. i didn't want to miss out on the compulsory high school literature.
same story for "hamlet" and "faust".
still haven't read any of them.
2 books of amazing short stories.
mendoza and cela in serbian.
murakami's "norweigan wood" that my dad got for birthday and i sneaked to sevilla on the way back from winter holidays. absolutely loved it.
a guide-book to "sevilla & andalucía". it's there to remind me of how little here i've seen.
a guide-book to writing essays. who knows why.
"the scarlet letter" given to me by the english teacher who is apparently a lover of cheesy 19th century anglo-saxon novels. he is also freaky, funny, shy, easily-scared and has an awful accent.
"fahrenheit 451" that hanni left me, with the nicest words written on the first page.
pamuk's "new life" that i didn't finish for how melancholic it was, and for how melancholic i was.
millas' "el mundo" that i got for christmas.
"wise sayings". funny tiny book. it's too smart.
2 spanish-english dictionaries.
toltz's "a fraction of the whole" that has thrilled me and scarily reminded me of myself.
baroja's "el árbol de la ciencia". reading it now. liking it, i think.
several editions of vogue.
me and my friends framed.
a big green candle.
a big pink flower for the hair.
leche condensada and bags of white and dark sugar.
chanel chance from barcelona.
coco mademoiselle from singapore.
flowerbomb from rome.
jewelry.
immigration papers.
a little box that stayed after the girl from ukraine.

part 1.

the sound of the blowdryer was lethal. the girl was brushing my hair endlessly and killing my hearing with that bloody machine. my head was already buzzing in bed that morning, and now its state was deteriorating rapidly. i couldn't keep my eyes open and i could barely speak, and the girl was asking me about where i had gone the night before, how it was, etc. we never liked each other, but she still took care of my hair and i still brought her chocolate. when she finished, i looked at my freshly highlighted hair and thought how much nicer it would have felt if only i could see it clearly. i thanked her politely even though i didn't mean it and left the salon. the freezing january air hit me as i stepped out on the street. i realised what a mess my stomache is. i stopped to buy water at a kiosk, and noticed that the elderly salesman was looking at me curiously, first my face, then the marlboro lights shaking in my hand and finally the bottle of water i was buying. i supposed what he was thinking and just packed up my wallet and left.
i hate hangovers. i never used to have them before that day, nor did i again after that. i felt toxic, dehydrated, tired and sick. the bottle of absolut finished me off the night before.
i felt sort of chic rumbling towards home, shivering and with sunglasses on that cloudy day. i reminded myself of heroin chic, rock gigs and rehab clinics. i thought of grunge, black-and-white vogue spreads and viceroy and wayfarers. then i wondered what kind of a society that is where hungover, pale and skinny 18-yearolds clutching their designer shades are considered chic.
the 90s really twisted us.

teach me.

academia's gift to those who love nothing better than spending a saturday morning people-watching in the local café.

red.

"protect me from what i want" she whispers madly while her eyes are burning in frenzy. she tightens the flower in her hair and pulls her skirt, sharply runs to the stage leaving the echo of her black shoes behind the curtains.
as the guitar cuts she erupts on the stage.

take notes so u don't forget.

we blinked and we were there.
mexican receptionist.
who told me i was colombian.
super advanced magnetic watch keys.
i'm andalusian so i'll put oil on my jamón.
old apartment.
old look.
book stock.
an insane looking man shouted and showed his tongue.
he left his phone number on a bag of sugar.
chocolate and bananas go well together.
especially in madrid.
the italian restaurant where we ate cheese.
the bar where we looked for aspirin.
a migrene attack.
supersonic.
pete doherty is innocent.
tattooed made-up dj with good taste in music.
my friend is a voyeur.
the french with the hat.
the french from brasil.
the norweigan with long hair.
sweden owns norway anyway.
the londoners.
the gay couple.
an orgy invitation.
random walking.
the aging hair losing argentinian.
2 jamaicans saying spain is a third world country.
switch hostels.
spanish are always on time.
and i'm socrates.
group travel slows u down.
walk to death.
freeze to death.
impressed to death.
toledo is medieval.
and so are our guy's organisation skills.
bar hopping.
alcoholising.
lily allen in male form.
que paza?
swell to the pont of exploding.
top it off with the bucket.
no one likes buses.
especially those where ur legs don't fit.
feel like toxic waste.
but at least toxic waste that has seen much.

etse niño es tonto o qué le pasa.

que pesao eres por dios.

pero vamo.

weakers.

quick to pity.
slow to act.

quick to frown.
slow to laugh.

love to bark.
understand less.

slow to learn.
quick to guess.

always sure.
rarely doubt.

easy to quit.
slow to work it out.

remark.

music is my biggest love.
and math.
i'm actually plato.
it's just that i'm not a man.
and greek.
and dead.
and i fall in love with men.
and not with my opinions.

wisdom.

frivolity cures a sore brain.

make me.

if i go insane will u put me in a mental institution?
if i go coockoo.
if i go bamboozle.
if i go out of my mind.
if i go crazy.
will u take me to the funny farm?

or give me opium.
give me flowers.

to numb me.
to snooze me.
to calm me.
not to lose me.

vortex.
vertigo.
nausea.
where to go.
stumble.
bump.
rumble.
jump.
fall.
and up.
slip.
stand up.

wish me.

my ship is dangerously approaching the bermuda triangle.
it's not because i'm so far away from the harbour.
it's because i've lost the compass.
and all maps are half ripped and smeared with rain.
and rain of other sort.

so i worry too much.
i was familiar with that.
so i think too much.
i was familiar with that.
i'm too indecisive.
i was familiar with that.
i start and and quit too much.
i was familiar with that.

what i was not familiar with is that i was repetitive.
i'm one repititive captain.
like a record.

does that mean i'm music?

i would like that.
i would like to be music.
i would like to enter people's minds.
provoke an emotion.
and then go away but leave a part of me.
i would like that.
i would like others to make me.
to invent me.
to better me.
to perfect me.
to listen to me.
to like me.
to love me.
to be inspired by me.
to learn me by heart.
to come back to me time an again.
to remember me.
to pass me on.

but i would be the work of someone else's hands.
of someone else's idea.
i would like that.

i would like to be a matter flowing through the air.
through the people.
through the world.
i would like to be everywhere.
i would like to be everyone.
i would like to have nothing and therefor have it all.
i would like to be a fraction of the whole.
i would like to be an impression.
i would like to be a glimpse.
i would like to be a spark.
i would like to be breath.
i would like to shine with it all in the dark.

their shade.

the sky is purple here.
and people clap their hands.
they eat a lot of potatoes.
i saw a man leading his daughter by the hand.
and smoking a joint.
at the same time.
they think palm trees make u warm.
they move a lot when they speak.
the sacred mother.
the sacred son.
church on sunday.
sunday lunch.
catholic school.
opus dei books.
sometimes they freak me out.
but mostly i like them.
their sky is purple.

blurt.

stress because of my current routine rhythm and constant lack of sleep and a sort of an academic pressure and lack of love and care from people close to me cause now they are not physically close to me and dreaming of you a couple of nights in a row so that i wake up and for a few first hours of each new day i can't get back to reality cause my dreams are so intense.

economice su vida íntima.

determine el punto muerto o umbral de rentabilidad para la empresa MENTE S.A. de la que se conoce que para un volumen de sentir de 10.000 unidades de felicidad los costes variables totales son de 21.000 unidades de pensamiento real (expresado en minutos de estrés) y los costes fijos son de 27.000 unidades de pensamiento irracional (expresado en minutos de pérdida dulce). el precio de sentir cada unidad de felicidad es de 10 unidades de tortura mental.
explique el significado sentimental del resultado obtenido.
calcule el beneficio o pérdida de la empresa.

an ode.

to all the men.
posessive.
obsessive.
jealous.
agressive.
don't tie me down.
don't press me.
it makes me frown.
it makes me nauseous.
it makes me puke.
it makes me run.
leave me be.
i'll loosen my guard.
i'll love you for free.
just don't hold me down.

être sur le point de.

this wind is blowing my mind out.
and i'm still hot.
i've done nothing today.
and there's still a lot.
everything's sticky and wet.
and i'm dry inside.
everything's so scary.
and i'm terrified.

pairs.

love and hunger.
lust and fun.
drugs and gods.
boys and girls.
narcissists and obsessives.
plants and earth.
vain and humble.
continental and mediterranean.
occidental and oriental.
fannies and cushions.
fingers and buttons.
touch and skin.
lips and breath.
passions and devastations.
goodbyes and deaths.
mornings and new lives.
bodies and souls.
roads and bare feet.
music and ears.
horizons and suns.
planets and orbits.

him and me.

play.

in desperate expectation.
looking at oh so familiar things.
waiting for something to happen.
waiting for a bomb to break the roof.
waiting for an earthquake to ruin the floor.
waiting for a wave to smash the windows.
waiting for a wind to blow the walls away.
pressing my feet hard in the carpet.
scratching my lips hard with my teeth.
hitting the table hard with my fingers.
in great expectation.
in great need.
my fingers start playing with the keyboard.
i like it.

i want to play some more.